Suffering in Silence
by F91
Summary: She is happy with him and I should be happy for her, but... It just hurts so much.


It all started innocently enough one day at school during lunch. I was on the roof eating with Nanoha, Hayate, Alisa and Suzuka as usual, happily chatting between bites of my sandwich.

"So are you guys free on Saturday?" Alisa suddenly asked. "How about we all go hang out, see a movie or something?"

"That sounds like fun." Suzuka answered.

"Hm… I don't have to work or anything…" Hayate hummed thoughtfully. "So count me in!"

"I'm off duty as well." I nodded.

"Nyahaha, sorry, I have to pass." Nanoha surprisingly answered. I had been certain she was off duty as well.

"Do you already have plans?" Suzuka asked.

"Yeah, Yuuno-kun asked me to spend the day with him, so…"

"EH?!?!" Hayate and Alisa cut her off with their cries.

"When did this happen?" Alisa demanded.

"You're ditching your friends to go on a date?" Hayate added.

"What? No!" Nanoha waved off the accusations. "It's not like that. We haven't had much of a chance to meet recently and he finally got a day off so I'm going to Mid to hang out with him."

"… Man, how boring!" Hayate suddenly huffed. "And here I thought one of us finally got lucky."

"Well, this is Nanoha we're talking about so I should have expected that." Alisa sighed.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?" Nanoha pouted.

Suzuka and I merely chuckled at the little exchange. I certainly didn't think I had anything to worry about. Nanoha and Yuuno were old friends, even more so than me and her, so I certainly didn't find it odd that they would want to spend time together. If Nanoha had felt anything beyond friendship for the boy, she definitely would have told me about it. I am her best friend after all. She tells me practically everything.

Nanoha didn't have any particular interest in romance at the time, and I secretly hoped that when she did awaken to it, her feelings would be pointed in my direction. In the meantime, I was just happy to be with my saviour whom I loved so dearly.

… If I had known what would happen next, I might have tried to stop her…

It was Saturday evening and I was hunched over the desk in my room, going through my notes in preparation of an upcoming test when my cell phone rang. I quickly answered when I saw the display show Nanoha's name.

"Hello Nanoha." I greeted, the smile obvious in my voice.

"Heya Fate-chan. Sorry for calling so late." Nanoha said on the other end.

"It's no problem at all." I said back. "What's up? How did your day go?"

"Well… That's what I'm calling about." It was rather odd to hear her sound so hesitant. She was usually so straightforward and cheerful in her approach to almost everything.

"Did something happen?" I asked worriedly.

"Um… yeah…" Nanoha trailed off again. Now she really had me worried. "Everything was great at first. Yuuno-kun and I talked about our work, looked at various shops on Mid Childa, had a nice meal, and even went to see a movie. It was lots of fun but when it was time to go home he…" I heard Nanoha gulp. "Yuuno-kun said he loved me and asked me to be his girlfriend…"

I might have dropped the phone but it really wasn't all that surprising. I knew the way Yuuno felt about Nanoha. It was quite easy for me to recognise his feelings since they matched my own. It was rather shocking to me that he managed to be bold enough to tell her his feelings, though.

Hearing this also put a feeling of dread inside my gut.

"Is that so?" I asked dumbly. "… How did you reply?"

"I didn't…" Nanoha admitted. "He gave me time to think it over and to give him an answer later."

"… How are you going to answer him?"

"I don't really know… I'm… I'm not sure."

Despite myself, I let out a mental sigh of relief.

"Well, if you don't return his feelings, it's best to let him down gently." I suggested.

"Actually… that's not it." I could practically feel the blush in her words. "When I think about it, I do like him a lot and I always enjoy being with him. I care about him and after the shock went away, I realised I was really happy to hear that he felt that way about me. He's always been important to me, so… I think I'm going to say yes."

That time I really did drop my phone. My mouth hung open as I processed her words. Nanoha was going to become Yuuno's girlfriend?

"Fate-chan?" Her voice came faintly from my lap. I snapped myself out of it and put my phone back to my ear.

"Are you sure?" I asked, perhaps a bit too manically.

"Y-Yeah…" She reaffirmed. "Just thinking about him now makes my face hot and my heart beat faster… I guess that sounds pretty corny, huh?" Nanoha laughed nervously. "It's weird but it wasn't like this before, but now…"

"Well… Congratulations!" I tried to sound as genuine as possible, but it was rather difficult. I felt a discomfort in my chest that was far worse than the time Shamal had drained my linker core. "I'm sure you'll be great together."

"You really think so?" Nanoha's voice brightened considerably. "Thank you, Fate-chan! I knew I just had to tell you about it! Ok, I'm going to call Yuuno-kun and give him my answer!"

"Ok then." I smiled sadly, thankful she couldn't see it. "Talk to you later."

"Bye!" She cheerfully hung up after that.

I just stared at my phone for a bit before finally putting it away. I tried to go back to my studies, but it was virtually impossible to tear my thoughts away from what just happened. Coupled with what felt like a hand squeezing my most vital of organs, I had no desire to do anything so I decided to call it a night.

Climbing into bed only encouraged my mind's activity however. What did it mean exactly that Nanoha and Yuuno would be a couple, I wondered. They would go on dates and eventually get married? Did it mean my feelings would forever go unreturned? I tried to convince myself I was taking things too seriously. As teenagers, weren't we all interested in experimenting and trying new things? Just because Nanoha agreed to be Yuuno's girlfriend didn't mean it would last. Perhaps it wouldn't become something serious. Perhaps it wouldn't work out. Perhaps Nanoha would realise she didn't love him that way and discover she loved me instead.

As much as part of me wanted to hope for that, another part berated myself for wishing for such things. They were both my friends so I should be supporting their relationship instead of wanting it to end.

I tried to convince myself that I was ok with it, but I still kept in mind that it could end up being just a temporary thing that might not go anywhere. These thoughts didn't do much to ease the grip on my heart, though.

I never did get any sleep that night.

The next day I wasn't surprised that Alisa, Suzuka and Hayate were thrilled by the news. They offered congratulations and slaps on the back, Hayate declaring cheerfully that she would have so much fun teasing them about it later.

I tried to mimic their enthusiasm but that clamp on my chest continued applying pressure. I found myself escaping to the bathroom when I couldn't listen to that topic any longer.

The months went by and all I could do was sit back and watch Nanoha and Yuuno's relationship. I had managed to take my mind away from their relationship after awhile, but whenever it was brought to my attention again, the pain in my chest would return. After every date Nanoha would joyously report to me about how it went, and when they had arguments she also came to me for advice as well. She showed me the gifts he sometimes bought her, and she brought me along when she picked out something for him.

I really didn't want to be involved in that, but I bit my tongue. I just couldn't find it in my heart to reject Nanoha's approaches. I was always there for her when she needed me and I started clinging to those times as she spent an increasingly less amount of time with me. It was painful, but I was also happy to have the one I loved rely on me like that.

I still had my dark thoughts, though. Sometimes I hoped that an argument would lead to a breakup and I would be disgusted with myself the moment I thought that. She was happy with him and I should be happy for her, but… It just hurt so much.

It became even worse when I saw how strong their bond was becoming. On a trip to the Infinity Library to find materials for a case, I had heard Nanoha's voice from around a corner. When I went to greet her, I quickly hid when I saw that she was with Yuuno. The vice tightened when I witnessed her lean up and press her lips against his. I quietly ran away then, the image I just saw replaying in my mind over and over.

Again I tried to tell myself that it was just a kiss and didn't mean that much, but who was I fooling?

I've lost track of how long it's been since then, but right now I'm sitting on a bench at the amusement park. I was so happy when Nanoha invited me here, just the two of us. We had so much fun playing around and currently she's off getting ice cream for the both of us. Being alone with her made me forget about the painful things, but my mind wandered back to them the moment she left me behind. Even after all that's happened, my feelings for her haven't diminished at all, have they? It's so sad thinking about how she's drifted away from me, but for today at least I had her all to myself. I think I'll use this chance to make sure I have no regrets.

"Sorry for the wait, Fate-chan!" Nanoha finally returns with our frozen treats. Handing me my vanilla cone, she sits next to me and licks her chocolate one. "Today has been a lot of fun, hasn't it?"

"Yes," I agree. "Thanks for inviting me."

"Nyaha, it's the least I could do. I'm sorry we haven't been able to hang out as much as we used to."

"It's ok, Nanoha. We've all been busy."

"Still, I wanted to go out with you today like this."

We were comfortably silent after that. This is probably my best chance, so I need to say it now.

"Nanoha." I look at her, and she looks back curiously. "I… I love you."

Nanoha blinks before smiling sweetly. "I love you too Fate-chan." She says. "You're my best friend in the all the worlds!"

… I expected that, but it didn't hurt any less. She just didn't love me the same way I loved her. She didn't realise the extent in which I cared about her.

"And that's why…" She continues and her face flushes. "I wanted to let you know something…"

I know I don't want to hear this.

"You know Yuuno-kun and I had a date last night, right?"

I don't want to hear this.

"Well… afterwards I went back to his place…"

I don't want to hear this.

"And things got a little… heated."

_I don't want to hear this!_

"And…" Nanoha hangs her head and her face turns a deep shade of red. "… I didn't leave until this morning…"

The implication registers in my brain and at the same moment the hand strangling my heart squeezes with all its might. This pain falls just short of my heart being ripped out entirely. My eyes sting, but I hold it in. I can't cry here, but the truth is almost forcing me to. I had been taught that sex was the ultimate act of love done between two people who truly loved one another. I can't deny the seriousness of Nanoha and Yuuno's relationship any longer learning they have taken that step. Any hope I had is obliterated.

I haven't felt such a crushing emotional blow since my mother told me she hated me.

Yet I force myself to smile. I no longer have any right to raise an objection to anything that happens, even if I do want to scream.

"T-That's a big step." I say. "Were you really ready?"

"Well, we hadn't really planned on it…" She scratches the back of her head. "It just sort of happened, but it just felt so… right, like we were meant to be together. I love him so much."

"That certainly explains why you were beaming this morning." I thought it was because she was meeting me. "Good for you." I reply as genuinely as I can. "Congratulations."

"Nyaha," she chuckles. "Thanks. I haven't told anyone else yet, but I felt I had to share this with you. He was so gentle, and…"

"Sorry, Nanoha." I interrupt. I don't want to hear anymore. "I need to use the restroom. I'll be right back." I dump my mostly melted ice cream into the trash and make my escape. I quickly enter the bathroom stall and lock the door before I prop myself against the wall with one hand and clutch my chest with the other. This pain is unbearable and I finally cry. I swallow my screams because this is still a public washroom, but my tears fall.

Why did this have to happen? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why couldn't it have been me?! If I had made a move sooner, would Nanoha be with me instead of him? Why had I waited?!

How can I make the hurting stop? I had considered going away on a long mission in order to forget the pain, but I still love her too much to bear being away from her. If love is supposed to be a wonderful thing, why is it causing me so much suffering?

I calm myself and wipe my tears, but my chest is still constricted… God, I'm not sure if you exist or not but if you do please make this feeling go away!

* * *

I know that it doesn't really feel like much of an ending, but I was going for a realistic one. Sometimes you don't get closure and you just have to tough it out, hoping it stops hurting at some point along the way.

I told the story I wanted to tell, so I don't feel the need to continue it. I suppose it's possible I'll get an idea for more, but don't count on it.

Be sure to click the review link and tell me what you think!


End file.
